An Almost-Sembreak Phase

These are the times when I badly need an exceptional inspiration. Or pressure. Either of the two will work. I have three 20-paged papers to submit, and three final exams to review for. I have the time and the resources.

And a huge percentage of the hours that I am awake is spent on eating. The interval between my every meal is averaged at less than an hour. I eat whenever I see food. I look for food whenever I don't see one at the moment.

It's not that I might not get things done. That's the result of an underlying problem. I am more concerned with the implications of this conduct. What bothers me is that I am not bothered anymore.

Something's telling me that what I've been doing (or not doing) are intentional. Writing this blog instead of prepping for my papers, figuring out why this is happening to me instead of making reviewers for my exams, reading Gabriel Marcel's Mystery of Being instead of understanding Heidegger and Sartre. Maybe I'm just exhausted doing things the way I'm supposed to.

I just ran out of will to follow my schedule, to be faithful to my plans. Motivation through rewards won't work on me. It usually doesn't make a difference if I tell myself that I will get all the pampering I want after all of my tasks are done with, or that I will watch a movie if I finish a certain paperwork in a challenging span of time. Those barely get me motivated, for I don't look forward to them. I demand for them beforehand. That's why my concept of unwinding is not that it relieves me from the hassle. It serves to set the mood for me to get started.

The bigger problem is that the motivation that actually works for me is proving to be very elusive. I need a reason, and this time, not just of any sort. I require an ultimate reason, that which encompasses all my other endeavors. I need a justification that would warrant the rest of my actions, not the kind that fails to account for why I do other ordinary, seemingly menial, tasks. I know that to look for this is an extremely tall order. It might even be impossible to find it, or to realize that I have found it once I've found it.

This is burnout at its finest and at its most inappropriate timing. I cannot afford one right now.

Someone please remind me of the bigger picture. Thank you.